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Yesterday was day 2 of qualls.  It wasn't the slam dunk that I had hoped for, but hopefully it was sufficient to pass.  All three of us were a little worse for wear looking after finishing day 2.  My advisor gave us a little pep talk.  On the bright side, all of us made it to our cars before we cried.  I think that I scared the Bear a little bit (he dropped me off and picked me up afterward because my parking spot is sort of far away) because I got in the car and started to cry, and I can't cry and breathe at the same time, so I can't explain why I'm crying.

I slept until about 3:00 today.  The Bear and I went out to dinner and on our way home, he said something about how he thought I was probably really relieved that I didn't have to go home and study.  Oh yeah.  I explained how it was a little like this:

It's kind of interesting.  I have a life again suddenly.  The government didn't shut down, which is good.... among other things, I need to get a passport for Vancouver in late May.  The Bear finally got in touch with his cousin who is coming through here 9 June.  I'm going somewhere at the end of June.... not sure which trip I'm taking.

I talked to my mom today, and she was asking what ELSE was going on in my life.  Um.  Yeah.  I didn't tell her about the student judicial programs thing because there isn't anything I can tell her about what happened there.  She's really concerned about the relationship between her brother an his wife.... although she doesn't really *get* relationships .  There was a long discussion about an Edith Wharton novel that sort of underlies that point.

The arts festival here was surprisingly good.  Some years, there are a bunch of cowboy paintings.  There was a 19th c. circus wagon collaged with skeletons and bits from books.  We've come a long way, baby.

Clay tomorrow, hopefully.

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Django and Charlie are helping me to review my note cards.  I've heard from both Chris and Erika, and all three of us are just D-R-A-G-G-I-N-G through the last day of studying today. 

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So after having gone through a few moods today, I seem to have landed on confident by the end of the evening.  I have two study days before Friday, and I still need to work on my cards for the student affairs part, but by the end of the evening tonight, I was feeling pretty strong.  Now if I can hang onto that feeling for the next couple of days. 

I feel a little like I'm going to be let out of jail on Friday after day 2 of qualls are done.  I'm still going to have to keep up my good work patterns as I'm moving toward the dissertation phase, although oddly the dissertation isn't as intimidating for me as qualifying exams are.  I guess because it's a process and not a random high stakes test.  After Friday, I'll get to go back into the clay studio, and I can deal with my sad lavender plants in the front flower beds.  I need to work on organizing my studio.  My art has really been sort of squelched with quals prep, and I know that isn't good for me. 

I need to take the time to work on developing a meditation practice.  I need to read the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook in the next month.  I need to have taken at least a reasonable stab at it before my psych appointment in May.

Hell, I'm even looking forward to actually making dinner for the Bear on Tuesday nights when he is teaching his grad class instead of heating up Bertoli pasta dinners.

The Bear told his students about his traditional last class meeting at our house.  He said that one of them mentioned that his students said that he'd heard that his chili is legendary.  It's always fun to have the grad students stop by.... I mostly clean, facilitate conversation, and most importantly pick the music.

I do hope lj doesn't go the way of myspace....
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I had a small bout of free-floating grad school existential angst today.  The: *gasp* what-if-I'm-not-making-sufficient-progre
ss-career-wise-and-what-if-this-whole-grad-school-thing-doesn't-get-me-where-I-hope-it's-going-to-get-me thing.  Part of it is that one of the people in the program who is about a year ahead of me got really stressful but super impressive job.  (This diminished a bit when I heard her say in the ladies that her old department was dissolved and that was really the impetus behind the move....) 

Comparing myself to other people never works.  It's not useful.  It's not healthy.

I understand that it's pretty normal for doc students to feel this way.  I mention this to people, and they say "oh don't worry...it'll be fine," but it's still unsettling. 

My last class was tonight, and I'm officially finished with this goddamned semester.


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July 2011

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